Finding Solid Ground During Divorce

When I decided to change careers to become a Family Mediator, I explained to my mother what mediators do. She tilted her head with a soft, pensive expression and I could see her mentally drift back to the 90’s when my parents divorced. She had an attorney, so she was receiving legal advice. But she acutely felt the power imbalance.

My mom had been the quintessential stay-at-home mom of the 70s and 80s while my dad climbed the corporate ladder, carrying the stress of corporate life to support our family. Many of my Gen X friends share a similar family history. There is no judgment in that. It was simply how many families operated.

My mother felt like she was standing in quicksand, sinking fast while trying to navigate decisions that would affect the rest of her life. She told me that mediation would have given both her and my dad a place to sit down, be heard, and have an equal opportunity to participate in decisions that would shape their futures.

While family roles may look different today, power imbalances have not disappeared. Power imbalances existed then as they do now. And it doesn’t matter how the imbalances form; it matters that they exist and can make divorce feel less like a process and more like a struggle to find solid ground, leaving parties to feel like they are slowing being engulfed in quicksand. One person may have been savvy with finances. One person may know more about the children and their daily lives. One may be more confident speaking up in front of attorneys, judges, etc. One person may be moving on to new relationships and have already accepted the changes while the other is still trying to process what is happening.

One of the things I value most about mediation is its ability to create a balanced environment. Whether a couple is pursuing a divorce on their own (pro se divorce) or participating in court-ordered mediation, the process gives each person an opportunity to express concerns, ask questions, share priorities, and participate in shaping the outcome.

Mediation does not require either person to "win." Instead, it creates space for both parties to be heard and understood And when emotions are running high and trust is in short supply, a neutral and balanced space can feel like a strong hand reaching into the quicksand.

That doesn't mean every issue will be easy to tackle and every conversation will be comfortable. But it does mean that decisions are made with equal opportunity for each person to participate as opposed to being silenced, kept in confusion or even being intimidated.

For many people, that alone can be empowering and provide hope. The end of one chapter should never mean losing your voice in the story that comes next.